I'm sorry

I want to apologize but I cannot stop the tears from rolling down my already drenched cheeks. I have been dealing with so much ^#*! from this weekend and now I am going to throw it on to you...
I am depressed, it's a clinical diagnosis (deal with it) and I honestly don't appreciate and can't handle certain events that occurred this weekend. I will not talk directly about that for the safety of those involved but please just know everyone is physically fine. I'm just so emotionally done I think the Pope would acknowledge God has given up on me... I feel like a total waste of breath and I hate having to acknowledge it but my one boyfriend was right, there are some questions that can't be answered by the human condition. I will never be able to answer why I feel the way I do, why I give a horse's *#! about people, and no one else will either (at least not completely). I am letting others pull the puppet strings on my life and it feels like a noose everytime they pull me in a direction. I need to be me but I don't even know who the ^!*÷ she is. I need to forget about the whys and how's of phylisophical bull/÷*!  and deal with myself. I am so emotionally and mentally drained and all I want to do is give up and back away from life and this situation....but I can't. Supposedly there are people that love me dearly and truly care for me and it's killing me that I just need to accept that they do and not question their motives....trust issues aren't fun people....turmoil will ensue and that's when I take some melatonin and talk more about this ^!*$ called my life tomorrow. If you can, enjoy ♡

Randomness

So I took the weekend to see some family (which you'll hear about once I figured out what the hell happened) and also some time to see an old friend. So I want to apologize to anyone that may potentially be reading this for not posting. I also have been sick this afternoon so writing and purging don't go well together. As of tomorrow 2 posts a day will be happening and boy do I have some news about what happened this weekend. But as a good writer would do you'll have to wait for tomorrow to know it. And with that I am off to bed because lucky me I have to go to work on spring break....goodnight world! Enjoy ♡

Faith in Humanity, Does it Actually Exist?

So yesterday I had this wonderful post planned about the importance of having at least 1 friend in this world but those plans and thoughts were mutilated by the arguments that ensued last night and the genuine stupidity and ignorance of the human beings involved.
I had one hell of a night between the 3 boyfriends and myself and I'm honestly still not sure of what will happen. All I know is that I'm done being treated like the babysitter and that I deserve to be loved and cared for by someone who's going to jump onto my train and steal me away from all the other %*$& in my life. I deserve to be happy and so does everyone else in the world. This decision (leaving my men) is the hardest I've ever had to consider and I'm sad that it's gotten to the point that I truly need to consider whether the outcome is greater than the work. Please don't get me wrong, I love my men and with 1 of them I've been with 5 years and the other 2 almost 6 months. I truly love them and always will but it's time to reevaluate where I stand, what I need, and if our journey's line up or separate here. I am not fully ready to make this decision but it's spring break so let's return to this serious life altering topic after that.
Another reason that I'm so serious this morning is that my mother received a response to an email that truly showed no one read her email...People it's not that hard to take 5 seconds out of your life to read an email thoroughly and give a reasonable response... I am ever so slowly losing faith in humanity because of the idiotic actions and reactions people take to certain events, situations, and statements. I am astounded that there are so many people in this world that have their head stuck somewhere on their own personal cloud that for one second they can't fathom to download back to reality to see what is really staring them in the face.
I'm ending this rant now before I get myself in trouble at work for typing like a madman and laughing at the pettiness of this world. Enjoy <3

The Round Table

I usually feel like a knight of Arthur when I attend lunch here at my office. The people that gather come from all different realms and protect different elements that make up the kingdom. We all serve each other, mainly in harmony, and benefit from the small casual meetings of our round lunch table. Yes our lunch table is round and it fits perfectly in the center of traffic between lands within the kingdom, allowing us to inquire about visitors and how each part of the realm is doing. It also allows us to delve into our personal lives, on occasion, and to be coached and helped with each dilemma we face. Today's topic: Dreams. As you know from this mornings post dreams are important and now we use the tool of validation. (I know I sound like some TedTalk representative) but in all honesty validation is another aspect of our lives that we need as humans. We need to know that what we say and do is right or that it holds common ground between many (or even few). So my little lunch break was filled with dreams and what their meanings could bring about and it makes me feel good to know that people are listening and actually care about what's coming out of my mouth.
That was always one of my issues, no one wants to talk to us outcasts (I think that's why I'm so opinionated to be honest). And so our little round table surrounded by a multitude of social and anti-social beings becomes one of the biggest places where I can comfortably be me without judgment turning around and slapping me across the face. Happy Lunching! Enjoy <3

The Monster Under the Bed

I have this reoccurring dream that usually results in me watching myself die by the hands of my family...well it happened again last night. So I hope you're ready for the "et to Bea" moment.
Grizzly bears disguised as my parents, yes that's the dream. My parents turn into 7 foot tall brown ravenous bears that desire only the taste of my sweet smelling flesh and blood. And they succeed...inside the house of this kid I used to crush on...with my aunt watching in horror as one bear turns to defend me and gets consumed by the other and then I do.
I've never been able to get rid of this dream and I really wish I could gouge the image from behind my eyelids. But dreams are actually important. Now I know, how can someone be so serious so early in the morning right? Well my friends it's called coffee (or tea!) but dreams actually freak me out that they can be so accurate to what you're thinking and so that's why I'm awake and alive this early, oh and I have to work too. Anyway, yes dreams can show you a lot of what your issues are and it's important to address them. This is why I keep a dream journal (Yes I am one of those weird people that record their dreams, but it's fun). You have 30 seconds from the moment you're conscious to remember your dream and record it. I keep a locked (Yes locked, I have trust issues) journal next to my bed and when I wake up it's the first thing I do. I've been recording dreams since high school and I've had this bear dream exactly 36 times since I first started recording. So that's my rant of the morning...I need more coffee and tea before I even begin to make any sense enough to write. Hope you had sweetish dreams. Enjoy ♡

Adventure?

The first step in finding yourself may be being able to find your way home (literally). The major highway that connects the west side of the state (where school is) and the east side of the state (where "home" is) was at a stand still because one hell of a dumb &%# decided to race with a cop and lost (like usual). So everyone and their mother had to stop in the middle of the road and watch this hunched back boulder of a dude get tackled and arrested....so to those people I would like to say DRIVE! REALITY TV IS AT HOME! So I proceeded to find the best alternate route while talking to 2 of my 3 boyfriends. (Yes I said it, 3 boyfriends. It's called Polyamory people look it up before judging me). So anyway I decided to see what the hell I could do about finding a way around the traffic and got lost....an hour away from home....while it was getting dark....well hell now another interesting (or maybe not so interesting) thing about me is that I can't see as far as I can throw (which really isn't that far) in the dark....so after screaming, cursing, and blindly following Becky (my android powered GPS) I made it home only to find out there was no dinner and my 3rd boyfriend was playing Neverwinter. For those of the world that don't live in their rooms on their computers or aren't just blindly searching the Internet for porn, Neverwinter is an online rpg. If you don't understand the words currently coming out of my mouth, pull up your big kid pants and talk to the "social outcasts" aka nerds (aka the people that are potentially if not definitely smarter than those labeling them as nerds) and ask them to explain what else is on the Internet besides porn.
So the best way to find you, may or may not be finding home. Where I live is not home. Home is the abundance of friends that have become my family because my family had their head so far up their holes they've developed mole eyes and started following rule 34 (again see your nerds for assistance). So find home, find those people you can rely on and call nerds without damaging their social status or intelligence. Find people in your life that make you genuinely happy and don't settle for anything less. And to those that just take advantage of their "friends" like a bad episode of Glee (I can't believe I just made that reference, excuse me while I purge) I highly suggest you stare yourself in the mirror and realize that the only reason that the people you put down need psychiatric help is because you need it the most. I'm not trying to threaten you or call you rotten I'm honestly asking you to see for yourself and get the help you need whether others think you deserve it or not. End rant #2 for the night. Enjoy ♡

Bea

My name for all intensive purposes is Bea. I am a student somewhere in the dense fog of the US, barely surviving through the depth of the oceans we all swim in. I am a mess, I'll admit, and I sometimes trip over my own words (and feet). I am sarcastic, cynical, and altogether awkward. I am the typical American big girl...Yes a big girl (oh the horror!) I believe in writing and telling what is right and what is out there in the world. I am honest in the experiences that I have been through and I honestly hope to one day be someone that can be brought home with everyone to make them as uncomfortable as a cactus in New Jersey. But yes, I'm a big girl (big boned you pervs) and I have a big attitude yet a small voice. A voice so barely audible that quiet Christmas mouse needs a hearing aid to understand the verbage coming out of me. I am nothing but a young woman sitting at a computer somewhere over the rainbow hoping that one day I can make a difference, not in the world, but in myself. I am a wreck, I'll be honest about that and so if that scares you or if you think I'll rant and rave like all the other blogs and websites on the internet please leave. I am not looking to be the next YouTube sensation and I'm not some crazy $%^&* looking for attention, I am me and I will talk about becoming me in this world so filled with crazy uninterested and ungrateful people. I am going to stick out like a sore thumb and I don't care. I would rather be the purple sheep so I don't have to just be black, white, or gray. Join me or not, I won't force you but this is your last warning, I am a vulgar, hypocritical (at times), and altogether down right weird person and now I'm ready to tell the world. Enjoy <3